also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
sarcasm needs its own font
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
