nut hugger
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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