I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
