true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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