i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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