I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
