Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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