We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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