I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
