It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
