Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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