I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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