I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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