I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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