Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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