i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
