I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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