So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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