no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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