My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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