Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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