plz talk dirty to me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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