Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We don't watch enough power rangers
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
