Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize