Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
