The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
