Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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