Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize