Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
