carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
