i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
