Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
