I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
