Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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