I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
