dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
