saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
