my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
