I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize