u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we're making bets on your personal life
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
