i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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