Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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