so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
