Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Randomize
