she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize