Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
