I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
