I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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