4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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