I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
