I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
