I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
