What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
