Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
