Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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