I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
